At the beginning of this summer, when all my fellow students had been granted a break from University studies, I fell back into a sin that, before being saved, I lived to practice and practiced to live. I had spent the last 3 to 4 years of my salvation thinking or believing that I had totally been healed and that my soul was rid of that same filth. But rather, I came to the realization that it was my religious pride that prevented me from truly seeing the depths of my murky heart and what was there dwelling all along. It seemed better to sweep the house and leave all the dirt underneath the carpet then to have it come back and haunt me. Immediately I did what most of us good Christians do. I sought out my leaders and mentors and confessed my sins to thems and in an effort to maintain my accountability and also to uphold that piece of scripture that goes “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” (James 5:16). Surely that would suffice and I could be on my way.
But as readily as I had repented, confessed, sought out accountability, and promised never to grieve the Spirit again with such an act, I found myself falling again and again into the same habits, each time undoing the healing process that Holy Spirit had been administering. Each time I sinned I felt a fresh wave of regret and I consistently repented, pleading that it be taken from me. All the while though, I felt Holy Spirit so strongly beckoning me to come away with Him each time I stared face to face with what I so desperately wanted, yet at the same time utterly despised. If I said I didn’t run to my sin I’d be lying yet He never stopped, never relented in pursuing me still. As much as I was conscious that God knew even my premeditated plans and thoughts, I still found a convenient way to ignore it – not to mention all the times my eyes peered at the assets of a female, giving way to the lust of my flesh.
I could have easily blamed the culture of this age, my “past sins” and “weaknesses”, the way women dress or carry themselves for the emergence of this issue in my life or just blamed the devil as we always do but instead, as man, I take full responsibility as God asks me to do in being wholeheartedly faithful to Him. All the while I allow Holy Spirit to do His work in me. I’m well aware now that there is nothing I can do in my own strength but that Jesus, the Son of Mercy bore everything for me then gave His Spirit that I might live by grace through faith for all of my days until I have been sanctified and made blameless in His sight.
Often when we sin we think of the all the possible consequences or we might even look for lightning to strike us down – well, at least those of us who have seen the facets of His love and why He did what He did throughout the Old Testament. The truth is that lest you really go before God and sincerely turn your heart inside out acknowledging what you did Him, you will go spiritually blind. Even though my experience had rid me of my religious pride, and I started to see and connect with myself in a more real way, I ended up looking elsewhere for things to consume myself in all the while still thinking I was under grace and innocent because of the Blood. This was the harsh reality that I had to face in spite of all my repenting and confessing and all the ‘good works’ I did to try and correct the issue. Had I not been made aware of the facade of my ways I would have continued down a path in spiritual blindness and dullness.
What first struck me was what I stumbled upon in Revelations 2 where Jesus addresses the “Loveless Church” (Ephesus) saying to them:
Nevertheless I have this against you, that you have left your first love.
Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent and do the first works, or else I will come to you quickly and remove your lampstand from its place—unless you repent.
And secondly what He said to the “Lukewarm Church” (Laodicea) in Revelation 3:18-21 which was:
“I counsel you to buy from Me gold refined in the fire, that you may be rich; and white garments, that you may be clothed, that the shame of your nakedness may not be revealed; and anoint your eyes with eye salve, that you may see. As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten. Therefore be zealous and repent. Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me. To him who overcomes I will grant to sit with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne. He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.”
Suddenly I realized what I was missing. I no longer contended for the greater things, nor did I really feel that I was ‘dining’ with Him. I continued to serve faithfully in ministry, thinking that it would serve as some kind of recompense for my sin. I started seeing the ‘David-model’ for worship as unnecessary and refused to engage in any act of worship that would make me become a spectacle for the spectators. Little did I know that I also started to conveniently discern “hypocrites” after having felt the offense that I might have been the biggest one. I started to doubt at the core that God would really come and change me.
Many times the consequences that follow our sin may not always be clearly shown unless the Holy Spirit reveals it to us Himself, showing us why we may be facing hardship in life or drought in our relationship with God. All sin carries a consequence, we just may not realise it at the time. As Christians each time we sin it affects our relationship with God and, depending on the sin can also carry an array of other consequences that affect other aspects of our lives. But if we really treasure our relationship with God and long for fellowship with Him then we won’t settle for the lesser things. We can be sure that if we are in line with Him and rightly fearing Him then we won’t be offended on that day when His wrath and judgement are poured out (Romans 2). If we really treasure our relationship with Him then we won’t judge others on their own shortcomings but instead we will come alongside them in love, contending with them and interceding on their behalf to see them come into the fullness of the glory that God has for them. (Hebrews 12: 15-17). After all, as 1 Corinthians 13 shows, if we have not love – for our brother, our sister, ourselves, our God – then we have nothing.
My encouragement to all of us is this: search your heart and your life, both with your own understanding and with the discerning eye of the Holy Spirit. Ask Him to search your heart as David did in Psalm 139:23-24. Put a stop to the sin in your life, cast off the idols and guard your tabernacle. Just as Romans 6:13 suggests, be watchful, disciplined and vigilant in guarding the gates in your life. Watch what you do, what you listen to, what you think, what you speak, who you associate with and what you watch. Watch the type of entertainment you currently enjoy because in yielding your flesh, you give the enemy authority over you.
Peter’s words of wisdom in 1 Peter 5:8 come to mind;
Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour
and what he seeks to do is bring in compromise and here’s what happens;
Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death. (James 1:15).
All God wants from us is hearts that are fully in love with Him. We cannot fight this battle of walking in total purity and holiness in our own strength and so He gave us His Spirit who has come to break down every wall of offence and every hindrance to His love in our hearts. But Holy Spirit will not force our hand, we must invite Him in. The running away and the pretending is futile; we can fool ourselves and we can fool others but we cannot fool God. God already knows our hearts, He sees our secret sins, He knows our weaknesses and our struggles and He is faithful to provide a way of escape every time and to offer His strength in fighting this battle and walking as the conquerors that we already are. If after searching your heart and your life before God you realise that sin is still a stronghold in your life then confess it before Him with all humility and sincerity, asking Him to help you to walk uprightly before His eyes. Seek out Godly counsel, maintain accountability, get into the Word and above all, go and sin no more.
God stands at the door of our hearts knocking and patiently waiting on our yes, but He will not wait forever. The day is coming when He will return to judge us for every sin (offense, rebellion, unbelief, unforgiveness) that we hold in our hearts and every sin we have committed out-rightly. So now while there is still time we must surrender ourselves – our all – to Him, asking for His help in preparing our hearts and lives in time for His return. Whether you are a believer or you have not yet accepted Christ into your heart, today I urge you to ask God for a heart that is prepared to live each day as if it were your last, so that if at any second Jesus were to crack the sky and return you would not be found offended or wanting when He comes. As a man thinks in his heart, so is he… (Proverbs 23:7)
by Raymond Thomas
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